and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
