dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
