i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
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Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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