I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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