Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
