the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
