"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
