I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
