I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
