note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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