We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
