don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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