Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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