You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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