Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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