dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
