Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
