i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
time to smoke my breakfast
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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