Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
