my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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