i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
