I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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