my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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