Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
