Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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