Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
