yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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