just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
