Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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