I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
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Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
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Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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