I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
