im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
