The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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