Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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