If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
