Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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