i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
