My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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