I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
