It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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