I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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