a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
