You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you will always have a special place in my vag
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
