I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
