Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
