I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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