hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
