Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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