my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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