somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
