the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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