Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
