I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
